Use Your Words With Compassion in Your Heart

 

It has been written in many mediums that it is easier to build a child up then it is to fix an adult.

Words can do both. The words we use every day, mostly without a lot of thought, can build someone’s self-esteem or devastate to the core of their being. It is a simple case of listening and feeling the effects of what we say.

I have never been a confident person. Words directed at me as a young child and into adulthood made such a negative impression, that believing them as true was easier than not. Fat, ugly, useless and stupid, that was me. Never knew what I was talking about, was a huge expense to my family, cost a fortune to feed and clothe, and on and on. Never ending slurs and insults.

So in true fashion, I not only used those words to describe myself, an attitude stronger than those words was how I lived. I thought ugly, so I became ugly. I would always be fat, so I could eat everything. Useless for sure. Living those words every day.

And then I had a daughter. A beautiful baby girl that grew into a beautiful child and eventually an even more beautiful woman. I took such care to ensure that she knew how beautiful and smart she was. Never would I allow anyone to speak negative words to her or tell her anything that would make her feel unworthy or just plain bad about herself. I praised her every thought, every action; told her she was so much better than me. Prettier, smarter and of course insulted my looks and abilities at the same time. People would say, “She looks just like you” and those words would stab into the very core of my being. No, no, she was so much better, so much more than I could ever be. And I made sure she knew that was how I felt. I was building her up by putting myself down. Or so I thought.

Never did the thought occur to me that because she did look just like me, my insults about myself were devastating to her. The more I voiced my struggles on accepting myself as is, of loving me enough to love her enough, the less she came to think of herself. In my own way I was being cruel and abusive, all the while believing my actions and attitudes would only help her accept herself. The most frightening thing was how her life became a duplicate of mine. She searched for love and the acceptance that she was enough, paralleling my life choices in ways I never wanted for her.

Learning to listen with my heart, the understanding of what I created for that child has come full circle. Her life could not be based on my pain nor could it pattern my expectations for her.  She always calls me on my stuff and holds me responsible for what I say and do. She is now a strong, confident woman with her own daughter. She does not hide behind the belief that she is not enough, that she is anything but capable. And I am proud to be her mother.

Words can become attitudes that are passed on. They can build confidence or they can destroy. It is easier to build a child up, than repair an adult. Think and feel before you speak.

 

Namaste’