At this time of year, the chore I dislike the most is shopping. Actually, I don't like shopping at all, it is just worse for me at this time of year because there are so many people. I am not at all comfortable in crowds and have been known to suffer panic attacks if people press to close or bump into me. I am sure there is some deep psychological explanation for this phobia; one I really don't feel compelled to explore.
More serious issues arise when these reactions surface on an emotional level. When people get to close to our feelings, when we fear someone can see beyond whatever façade we are putting on display. I have a very good friend who I speak with very openly about almost everything. Our conversations are varied and for the most part, I do believe, honest expressions of how we are feeling. And then it happens, we drift a little, not communicating as often and on a more superficial level when we do talk. My heart knows there is nothing I can't tell her and sure hope she feels the same way about me. I trust this person with everything I have. So what happens? What is the fear and is it imagined or is it real? Are there just times when we step back? Is this a sub-conscious reaction, a way of protecting ourselves from being seen?
Yesterday, I freaked. Actually, this turmoil began two days ago and should have been recognized when I started cleaning every square inch of my house like the Queen was coming for a visit. That was a huge sign of something more developing. While cleaning closets, toilets and scrubbing floors, the brain has a lot of quiet time to start imagining all sorts of scenarios. And through all this turmoil comes a bolt of lightening so powerful it all but knocks me off my feet. I am living a lie and so afraid someone will catch on.
A lot of my time is spent posting heart-felt sayings on Facebook, written for the most part by someone else, about happiness and gratitude and faith in myself, when in all actuality I am not any of those things most of the time. In reality, I have disappointed myself and probably others. I talk a good talk and am very supportive of my friends. As long as they don't stand to close to me. As long as no one sees the real pain, the loneliness, the heartbreak. I miss my friends on a physical level, not seeing them for very long periods of time and cancel plans that we make because and this is where I stumble, because I don't know the answer on a conscious level. When I am with friends, I feel separated and different. The little girl that was on the outside looking in at the party.
So as I sit here at my dining room table, pounding my heart out on this laptop and crying like a baby, in all honesty, I don't know what it is I want. This composition started as a light hearted expose and has turned into a heart wrenching experience, one I feel compelled to share without knowing why.
In peace.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
How do we honor each other? Or better question, how do we honor ourselves? Are words enough or are our actions more profound?
If I say thank you for being my friend, that is a way of saying I honor your presence in my life. You are important to me. Is that enough? What about our actions, not only directed at that friend, but at the world as a whole?
I have been receiving many messages from the Universe about judgments and how those thoughts of negativity are holding me back from my personal inner peace and from truly being a friend and loving openly and unconditionally. I have found myself making excuses for my behavior. "I only shared that nasty little piece of info with a friend I can trust" or "Sometimes the truth hurts". Innocent enough, right? No, it can't be right. Whether the recipient of the "secret", because it is always "Don't tell anyone I said this", is a trusted confidant or a total stranger, that does not make the intent any less harmful to the subject and the personal gift is very fleeting. I may feel smug and have an attitude of superiority for a moment but what has been accomplished? Absolutely nothing. I have honored no one. Not myself, the receiver of the information nor the target have benefited from the words I have so blithely uttered.
So back to my original question? How do we Honor Each Other? It has to start with the honor we give ourselves. If you are important in my life, than I must be equally important in my life. How I treat myself must be done with as much loving kindness that I offer you. In doing so, I honor you even more.
I had a disagreement recently with someone who means the world to me. I was feeling hurt because she wasn't paying enough attention to me and my own insecurities flared up like a dragon on the loose. In her last post to me she said "always remember I love you". Well of course she does, that was never a question, or was it? Did that dragon speak to me in terms of losing her love? What we all have to realize is that the past, and all of the monsters we lived with, will always be a part of who we are. If love was withheld, the fear of that repeating will be there, always. What we do with that fear is the solution and that is to honor ourselves, respect who we are and look at the good we do just by being present in the world every day.
So when I say I Honor You, I am really saying I give you the powerful gift of my true self; my love, my trust, friendship and caring because I share those same gifts with myself. Most importantly, I give you my truth.
Live in Peace.
If I say thank you for being my friend, that is a way of saying I honor your presence in my life. You are important to me. Is that enough? What about our actions, not only directed at that friend, but at the world as a whole?
I have been receiving many messages from the Universe about judgments and how those thoughts of negativity are holding me back from my personal inner peace and from truly being a friend and loving openly and unconditionally. I have found myself making excuses for my behavior. "I only shared that nasty little piece of info with a friend I can trust" or "Sometimes the truth hurts". Innocent enough, right? No, it can't be right. Whether the recipient of the "secret", because it is always "Don't tell anyone I said this", is a trusted confidant or a total stranger, that does not make the intent any less harmful to the subject and the personal gift is very fleeting. I may feel smug and have an attitude of superiority for a moment but what has been accomplished? Absolutely nothing. I have honored no one. Not myself, the receiver of the information nor the target have benefited from the words I have so blithely uttered.
So back to my original question? How do we Honor Each Other? It has to start with the honor we give ourselves. If you are important in my life, than I must be equally important in my life. How I treat myself must be done with as much loving kindness that I offer you. In doing so, I honor you even more.
I had a disagreement recently with someone who means the world to me. I was feeling hurt because she wasn't paying enough attention to me and my own insecurities flared up like a dragon on the loose. In her last post to me she said "always remember I love you". Well of course she does, that was never a question, or was it? Did that dragon speak to me in terms of losing her love? What we all have to realize is that the past, and all of the monsters we lived with, will always be a part of who we are. If love was withheld, the fear of that repeating will be there, always. What we do with that fear is the solution and that is to honor ourselves, respect who we are and look at the good we do just by being present in the world every day.
So when I say I Honor You, I am really saying I give you the powerful gift of my true self; my love, my trust, friendship and caring because I share those same gifts with myself. Most importantly, I give you my truth.
Live in Peace.
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