Don't Stand to Close to Me

At this time of year, the chore I dislike the most is shopping. Actually, I don't like shopping at all, it is just worse for me at this time of year because there are so many people. I am not at all comfortable in crowds and have been known to suffer panic attacks if people press to close or bump into me. I am sure there is some deep psychological explanation for this phobia; one I really don't feel compelled to explore.

More serious issues arise when these reactions surface on an emotional level. When people get to close to our feelings, when we fear someone can see beyond whatever façade we are putting on display. I have a very good friend who I speak with very openly about almost everything. Our conversations are varied and for the most part, I do believe, honest expressions of how we are feeling. And then it happens, we drift a little, not communicating as often and on a more superficial level when we do talk. My heart knows there is nothing I can't tell her and sure hope she feels the same way about me. I trust this person with everything I have. So what happens? What is the fear and is it imagined or is it real? Are there just times when we step back? Is this a sub-conscious reaction, a way of protecting ourselves from being seen?

Yesterday, I freaked. Actually, this turmoil began two days ago and should have been recognized when I started cleaning every square inch of my house like the Queen was coming for a visit. That was a huge sign of something more developing. While cleaning closets, toilets and scrubbing floors, the brain has a lot of quiet time to start imagining all sorts of scenarios. And through all this turmoil comes a bolt of lightening so powerful it all but knocks me off my feet. I am living a lie and so afraid someone will catch on.

A lot of my time is spent posting heart-felt sayings on Facebook, written for the most part by someone else, about happiness and gratitude and faith in myself, when in all actuality I am not any of those things most of the time. In reality, I have disappointed myself and probably others. I talk a good talk and am very supportive of my friends. As long as they don't stand to close to me. As long as no one sees the real pain, the loneliness, the heartbreak. I miss my friends on a physical level, not seeing them for very long periods of time and cancel plans that we make because and this is where I stumble, because I don't know the answer on a conscious level. When I am with friends, I feel separated and different. The little girl that was on the outside looking in at the party.

So as I sit here at my dining room table, pounding my heart out on this laptop and crying like a baby, in all honesty, I don't know what it is I want. This composition started as a light hearted expose and has turned into a heart wrenching experience, one I feel compelled to share without knowing why.

In peace.